Comedic Observers Gifts

'You're new here, aren't you.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

She left and took everything. How could she, he thought, she knows how much I hate grocery shopping.

Narcissism

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

No Parking - Scandal or No Scandal

Zoo: No Hunting.

"My computer just texted me."

"Call me 'pops' one more time and I'll lace 'ya one!"

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

"She bathes him. She feeds him. She burps him. Mother's a real micromanager."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

'Wow! That yogapilates has really paid off!'

Runner going through hurdles.

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

Pop up begger.

"Please excuse our appearance while our records are being impounded."

"The school construction budget is so small we can't even afford to build a snowman."

'I can't understand how those burglars could clean out our house so quietly.'

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

Glimpses One Dollar

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

"Hey! This is news."

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

Men and Women's changing rooms

Right now my brother Al is paying a psychiatrist a hundred bucks an hour to hear his troubles, while I'm drinking beer and telling you mine at happy hour prices. Obviously, Al IS the crazy one.

'It's bad enough I get overrules at home... why here also, Sharon?'

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

"Do I take it that we can't be guaranteed your vote in the forthcoming election?"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Tree growing