Comedic Dater Pillows

'Hi, do I sit here? Er...Oh.' (woman holding up sign saying 'Go away, you're ugly.').

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'The dating website just asked for a recent photo. It didn't say it had to be one of me.'

"But after Monica, I began to wonder... Maybe I've been looking for rejection in all the wrong places!"

"I'd like to take things slow, Al, so instead of a goodnight kiss I'm going to poke you a few times with this stick."

"...and someone with no fleas. Anything else?"

On my list of outdoor pursuits I put skinny dipping way ahead of this.

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Einstein's Theory of Relativity For Dummies

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'I'm sorry, Jason. I don't date anyone new until I've googled them.'

Waterfall of Disappointment

"She says you sound like 'fun'!"

"I thought you did a great job with your gender neutral statements ... There will be a second date."

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

"I'm not very good at sex, but what do you say to eight hours uproarious sleep?"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"You need a mint."

'Let's do lunch.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"I've become so good at dating—relationships that used to take months now last a matter of days."

"I like anything but long walks on the beach."

Here's one for you... she likes long lurches in the moonlight, scared of fire... enjoys terrorizing villages...

"Nothing - he's ghosting you."

'Romance-minded clown in hot pursuit of woman'

I'm looking at photos of potential dates here. Your "screening" process.

'She won't even look at me. It's like I'm a banner ad.'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Single Heating and Cooling technician in search of intelligent, attractive woman. Send picture of your furnace & AC.'

"I'm so shallow."

"It's over between us Brian. . . as soon as I've announced it on twitter."

'You must be Olivia.'

"I'm a fancier of dogs and interesting men."