Comedic Collectivist Gifts

"It's nice to see you expressing yourselves, but what you need to focus on what's good for the whole group!"

Wedding Day Itinerary.

Yomp Foundation Presentation committee: 'Don't let the gong intimidate you!'

Surf Casting

"Now you've seen the bust how about letting me see Naples?"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Trumpeter swan meets trombone swan.

Zoo: No Hunting.

'This chair ain't big enough for the both of us.'

"My computer just texted me."

"Boss, I guarantee you that my intentions with your daughter are serious."

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'Please, could you me to Polish my diet!'

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

"We'll be single again in Heaven, right?"

'Gents toilet? Ah, got me there...'

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'Look at that! Our first big snowfall, Timmy!'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

''It's me or your stupid racing pigeons' I said - then immediately regretted it.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

"Don't think of it as hell. . . just think of it as a normally recurring seasonal weather pattern."

"Don't think of it as forgetting stuff. Think of it as freeing up brain space."

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"Hey! This is news."

Glimpses One Dollar

'I'm knitting you sweater... do you want it too big or too small?'

"Young lady! You aren't going anywhere dressed like that!"