Comedic Business Critique Gifts

No money is left in this business (overnight).

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

"I'm cutting out a complete layer of management."

Roads with a view.

Death Boss

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

'I can live with you not wanting to push the envelope, but your refusal to think outside the box...'

Actually, Mama was her third word. Buy Now were her first two.

Boardroom cream pies.

"They got me for pillaging. How about you?"

'While I'm not looking for the typical 'Yes Man', I want a man who finds it extremely difficult to say 'No' to my suggestions.'

'So this is the company's new mission statement.'

"So we all agree to reduce our company motto to 'It was the least we could do'?"

'Now that the price of gold is up, we'd like to have your retirement watch back, Boggs.'

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."

"You're an overweight, overpaid, over-the-hill senior executive, Dalrymple. What did you have in mind to remedy that situation?"

'The firm is downsizing, Oglethorpe -- tell everybody to scrunch up.'

"It would appear they worshipped the almighty dollar."

'I was like you once Pearson. Efficient, forward leaning and with a clear strategic vision. Then I made senior management.'

"We're looking for people to fire."

"You know, maybe he's not the small-business man he claims to be."

I'm here to update your census form. Since you mailed the form in, have any of your children moved back in with you?

'Whenever I want to cut my lesson short, I ask the music teacher if she has any hip-hop music for the violin.'

'The cannon will go off every 20 minutes just to make sure you're paying attention,'

'And along with your promotion you get a key to the executive bedroom.'

'You deserve a bonus, but of course we can't give you one. Instead, we offer a pat on the back and five atta boys.'

NOW HIRING SECRETARY, 'Oh, what the heck -- typing is overrated anyway.'

'On the agenda for this meeting is sick leave...'

Rat Race Resources.

'The trick is to make them feel better about themselves without actually paying them any better...'