Business Critique Fan Gifts

"You know, maybe he's not the small-business man he claims to be."

"I would have done more but I didn't want to exceed my advertising budget.''

"I'm looking for someone who's qualified to cover my mistakes."

"Recent research has yielded some frightening results...It turns out we are a business team held forever on a presentation chart, locked away in a supply closet."

"Looks like we found the issue."

'If I had to use one word to describe our strategy.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

"Well, either you're hopelessly optimistic or hopelessly short-sighted."

Even more of what people say (and what they really mean)

"In a further effort to increase profits, control costs and satisfy shareholders, we've decided to steal stuff."

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

Non-Power Breakfast

"He'll do anything to say in power."

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'

Scapegoat of the Year

"While we're on the subject of earnings, does anyone have a clever metaphor using the word, 'toilet'?"

"It's a swearbox."

Told you...Nonsense compulsive disorder.

"Comparing our salaries with the workers' salaries makes me cry...with laughter!"

'And these are the projections if we stop doing silly things like paying the employees.'

Stoneage business ethics: 'But, hey, this 'ethics' stuff isn't carved in stone!'

'And this will be our strategic plan for the coming year.'

"You realize, of course, that I'll have to make a big show of having security escort you out."

'The bad news is that our company is bankrupt. The good news is that we're only morally bankrupt.'

"Already sold your soul to the company? Listen, I'll have my people talk to their people."

"Gentlemen, may I present our company's future. A buggy whip... with Bluetooth!"

'You'll never succeed until the kissing up becomes instinctual.'

"I'll tell you what I'm looking for! I'm looking for a yes man, Jenson. Do you think you could fit that bill?"

Death Boss

"We feel you're over analyzing things a bit too much."