Comedic Biologist Gifts

'Why do I always pick the slow moving queue?'

'As it's your first day we're going to start you on something easy.'

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

Zoo: No Hunting.

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

E=Emcee Squared

"There Adam. Isn't that a lot more comfortable than that silly little fig leaf?"

Genetic Fingerprinting.

"That's enough about the noggin and the schnoz. Let's move on to the tummy-wummy and the keister."

I'm not substitute teaching after all. How come? They wanted a criminal background check! I was a principal for 15 years. They know me! Yes, but

'He keeps grounding out the energy flow.'

Fish Posting No Fishing Sign

'Don't call the Nobel Committee just yet: We forgot to calibrate the instruments before the experiment...'

"Before I start. . . . are you sure pruning doesn't violate the tree's rights?"

'This stuff is all well and good son, but when are you going to get a proper job?'

I must be losing my grip, he didn't query the bill...

'I'm sorry Martha, but I've fallen in love with a light bulb.'

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

'We've minimized your tax liability by losing a lot of your principle.'

"If Einstein is correct, when we get back, my car will have been double parked for 320 years."

'Well, you heard wrong -- Zen Buddhism doesn't have a Missouri Synod.'

"You sure are ringin' my bell, Baby!"

"If atheism is a religion, why hasn't it broken up into splinter groups who murder each other?"

'Listen son-if God had wanted us to fly he would have given us air tickets.'

Monkey Business College

"You want to go shopping in Lisbon? Honey, give me 10 seconds to sign the order to invade Portugal!"

'I don't remember his name, but he also sold me $14,000 worth of aluminum siding.'

Why is it the universe keeps expanding but there's never any room in my closet?

I think of "The Fusco Brothers" as a modern-day "Bonanza." Only instead of four cowboys, we have four bums, and instead of a cook named Hop Sing, we have a wolverine named Axel. Is there a term for this fantasy? "Ponderosa Nervosa."

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

So the short answer is no; these aren't billable hours.

'Do you mean I leave a lot to be desired bad, or a lot to be desired good?'

Tree growing

"Great pet, but we should have given him less energy."

Flatulence in space...