Comedian's Dream Gifts

He hurt himself taking out the Christmas tree? But it's February! That's not all, he tripped over the jack-o-lantern!

"Rupert, how many times do I have to tell you, do not, I repeat, do not, have balls in my house!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

Another day at work would be one too many...

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

A private jet takes off

Rodin's Thinker.

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

Exit Next Left

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Midwest Winter Items.

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman