Comedian's Dream T-Shirts

"Rupert, how many times do I have to tell you, do not, I repeat, do not, have balls in my house!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

Exit Next Left

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

"How do you love me. Count the ways!"

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

Clubbing

Ostrich's head buried into a pile of sand containing a woman

"What is a drag queen's goal?"

Midwest Winter Items.

"Do we really need the interactive garbage disposer?"

'What did I SAY to DAVE?' - A person with hangover worrying about the night before.

Mo's Meet The Predators Safari Tours.