Comedian's Delight T-Shirts

"I used to ooze sexuality, but it turned out to just be Chlamydia."

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

'You was right, Ma! It makes rocks taste a LOT better!'

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"You're not using your boogeyman powers to cheat, are you, Cucuy?"

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Hitchcock's The Birds

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

Working at a brewery.

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

"I still want grandchildren.

'Is THAT it? You call THAT turning into a prince?'

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

"You understand this was just business."

"Moses, remember commandment three."

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

"We heard you were dying in here."

Year of the Seagull: Scarecrow on car's top losing it's battle in chasing gulls away

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

'It's no good telling me to eat my grees, Mum. You know I'm colour blind.'

'I infected his computer with a nasty virus. That should keep him busy until hunting season is over.'

"We're all out of trolleys so you're going to hell in a handbasket."

'I've always been a bit of a ladies' man.'

"Are you in denial about how much trashy TV and junk food you consume?"

'Don't worry about that, Doctor. It's just a tattoo.'

"The Choice is yours, Norman - either we divorce or I have you recycled."