Comedian's Delight Pillows

Don't even dream of parking here.

"I used to ooze sexuality, but it turned out to just be Chlamydia."

Thank you for waiting. At this time, we'd like to invite our platinum-status members to begin the rapture process.

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

'You was right, Ma! It makes rocks taste a LOT better!'

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

"You're not using your boogeyman powers to cheat, are you, Cucuy?"

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

'He took from the rich and gave to the poor? It sounds like wealth redistribution.'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

He hurt himself taking out the Christmas tree? But it's February! That's not all, he tripped over the jack-o-lantern!

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Hitchcock's The Birds

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

Working at a brewery.

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

"I touched another squirrel's nuts. Any other questions?"

'I'm sick and tired of begging!'

"I still want grandchildren.

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

"His last words were 'Yodel-ay-he-hoo.'"

'Is THAT it? You call THAT turning into a prince?'

"You understand this was just business."

"There's a man at the door with a wooden leg."

All Organic Pork: "Naturally smoked bacon my ass."

"Moses, remember commandment three."

"We heard you were dying in here."

'What fresh hell is this? I just spent 50 grand on hair plugs.'

"This is a wax job if I've ever seen one!"

'Your father told you to look both ways when crossing a four lane highway?'

'It's no good telling me to eat my grees, Mum. You know I'm colour blind.'

Year of the Seagull: Scarecrow on car's top losing it's battle in chasing gulls away

"I had trouble opening the child-proof cap."

'I infected his computer with a nasty virus. That should keep him busy until hunting season is over.'