Comedian's Treasure Pillows

'My foursome doesn't understand me.'

Occu-Pie Mars

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

Build your very own conflict of interest!

'What did one flea ask the other?' 'Shall we walk or take the dog?'

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

Banana Split...

At home with the Bones...one skeleton yells at the dog chewing his leg, 'now cut that out!'

"A GPS! Thanks guys! It's exactly what I need to guide my sleigh...you know, in light of that unfortunate hunting accident."

Turtle Hat

"The Eggsorcist"

Filet minion

'Big sale at the Dog Store. Buy 1, get 2 free.'

E-Baying @ The Moon

Snowmobull

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Crushing empty beer cans is for wimps.'

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"This is a great school but it wasn't my first choice."

A trevor of trainspotters

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

"Whose the new guy?"

'I reckon we need a new sweeper.'

"Yes, if that towel weighs 25 lbs that would explain the reading."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

What happened when the bond issues failed during the building of the Great Wall of China: The Great Picket Fence of China.

'You had better eat those intestinal organs or there's no dessert for you!'

The embarrassment of mistaking a salon for a saloon.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

An Extraordinary Pointer

'ANYTHING to get down the ruddy boozer!'

'I don't like to brag, but I'm the guy who coined the phrase, 'Honey, I'm Home'.'

'I'm SECRET Santa, kid.'

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"