Humorist Delight Pillows

'I infected his computer with a nasty virus. That should keep him busy until hunting season is over.'

Honest Vending

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

IT security.

"It's a turkey vulture, and it's got something big. Honey, where's Delia?"

Working at a brewery.

'Be careful. The plate is hot!'

Dave :)

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'You'll marry me? Really? Then forget it! I can't be with someone who's standards are that low!'

Dating Rule #1. Repeat after me: I need some space. I need some space. Got it. Good. Make sure you tell that to Laurel all the time. But

'Maybe if you cut off an ear it would look better.'

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

Don't even dream of parking here.

'You can tell me anything, Mrs. Rojak. I'd never violate the sacred fish store-customer relationship.'

Meeting Melanie's parents suddenly turns awkward.

Exclamation road sign says 'OMG'

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Failure is not an option (it comes bundled with the software)"

'Yes, doctor, I'm sure his temperature is three hundred and fifty.'

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

'Not that sort of pool party.'

'She's our first born. We haven't picked a name, but it will be case sensitive with at least one numeral.'

'Keep it simple, cupid!'

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

Year of the Seagull: Scarecrow on car's top losing it's battle in chasing gulls away

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."