Humorist Delight Gifts

'I infected his computer with a nasty virus. That should keep him busy until hunting season is over.'

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

Honest Vending

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"

IT security.

"It's a turkey vulture, and it's got something big. Honey, where's Delia?"

Working at a brewery.

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

'Be careful. The plate is hot!'

Dave :)

'Maybe if you cut off an ear it would look better.'

'Wait a minute -- Shouldn't you be saying something about 'If not completely satisfied'?'

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

'You can tell me anything, Mrs. Rojak. I'd never violate the sacred fish store-customer relationship.'

Meeting Melanie's parents suddenly turns awkward.

"I was thinking more of a leap-year wedding."

"Failure is not an option (it comes bundled with the software)"

'Yes, doctor, I'm sure his temperature is three hundred and fifty.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

'I'm gonna go slip into something less comfortable.'

Exclamation road sign says 'OMG'

Cyber-Cise: 'Let's start with 3 sets of 8 reps of uploading, rest and repeat for downloading.'

'Not that sort of pool party.'

Year of the Seagull: Scarecrow on car's top losing it's battle in chasing gulls away

"I was very good...delicious in fact."

"Same weight as you were in high school, great....now put the other foot on the scale too!"

'She's our first born. We haven't picked a name, but it will be case sensitive with at least one numeral.'

'I've enhanced our caller I.D.'

'Keep it simple, cupid!'

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."

"The Choice is yours, Norman - either we divorce or I have you recycled."