Humorist's Delight Gifts

"Under the Freedom of Information Act, I'm requesting that you disclose what you have on me in your files."

Happy Valentine's Day! My friend is looking for a valentine's day date. She asked me to build her ideal man. She wants him to be tall and smart so I made him with long legs and a big brain. He has great ears so he's a good listener, and an extra funny bone so he has a wonderful sense of humor. Most important, I was very careful when working on his chest. Her ideal man must have his heart in the right place. Will you be my valentine?

The Cliff Whites of Dover

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

So much for the wild blue yonder

"I need a wind to go with dinner tonight. What pairs well with dirt?"

"Your father used to brag about his belly button being an outie, too. Remember, boasting leads to roasting."

"The Choice is yours, Norman - either we divorce or I have you recycled."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

Honest Vending

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'