Humorous At Heart Gifts

"I bark and I bark and I bark, and yet, somehow, I'm still unhappy."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

Clown on bike.

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

Rap music

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Rodin's Thinker.

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'Shall we bother with the sweet, chubby-chops?'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."