Humorous At Heart Pillows

"I bark and I bark and I bark, and yet, somehow, I'm still unhappy."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

Clown on bike.

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

Toy plane with pilot eject.

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

A private jet takes off

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Exit Next Left

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'