Humorist's Delight Pillows

"Under the Freedom of Information Act, I'm requesting that you disclose what you have on me in your files."

The Cliff Whites of Dover

'I went with a tour group to Europe, and they dumped me in Spain.'

So much for the wild blue yonder

"I need a wind to go with dinner tonight. What pairs well with dirt?"

"The Choice is yours, Norman - either we divorce or I have you recycled."

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

Honest Vending

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Clown answers the door to a custard pie in the face.

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

"Roadkill cookies"

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'