Comedian At Heart Gifts

Complaints about how we handled your complaint.

'You know what I'm looking forward to? -- hindsight.'

"Shark salting a man before it eats him."

"I know what you're going through, dear. I buried my husband last year -? but they found him in time."

"We can't all work for Goldman Sachs."

"Your mom is a little overprotective, isn't she?"

"The doctor told me I needed to burn some fat, so I'm grilling a steak!"

Henry trained himself in the 'dramatic pause'.

"Keep my fingers crossed! Is that it?"

"Scaling walls is certainly a side effect, but it says nothing about ceilings."

'A little 'fade out' music, please.'

'Just came in. It's a repo.'

Frank, this is carrying safe sex too far.

'Donny and I are taking a year off to volunteer for the Pizza Corps.'

'The Hunt family have solved the problem of the fire ants.'

"Are you ready for your big test tomorrow?"

'Walter, you're the only person I know who has to call tech support to open a lawn chair.'

"I love portraiture but my true calling is aerial photography."

Price comparison site.

'Yes, we are dining by candlelight because I thought it would be romantic. And also, because I didn't pay my electricity bill.'

"Don't put your money into stocks. Bury it!"

"I'll have what he's having."

Thank You God

'Why, now, my refrigerator isn't running. Who is this?'

"Your mother and I think it's time you got a place of your own. We'd like a little time alone before we die."

"You've got pie."

"Don't think of this as losing our lease, think of it as enjoying an open-space work environment."

'Deranged Rover'

'Man, look at these young guys! This 'wheel' thing is making them all soft. Next, they'll be using animals to pull themselves around!'

"Hey hold on...I'm reading the small print!"

'I'd move back in with my folks, but I can't stand my mom's regurgitated worms.'

"How did our parents survive their youth? Could you imagine spending your waking hours staring at an empty hand?"

All items on the premises have been marked for identification: 'My cat sprayed everything in the house.'

Of course it's real spring water. I got it out of this hose last April!

'I'm rich, therefore I am.'