Humorists At Heart Gifts

'Thank you for your unsolicited parenting advice! In return, I'd like to tell you about a method I know for removing those unsightly age spots.'

"My instagram feed is basically people, dog food, and tennis balls."

'I've been lucky with men - I haven't met any yet...'

Windup yoga

My Folks, dressed up like Eskimos

"Cancel the trip. The cook didn't get a visa."

Do you close your eyes when you kiss? Yes, but only because I'm very shy. I also close my eyes when I brush my teeth in front of the bathroom mirror.

'What I want for Christmas is a bigger carrot'

'Sorry, Ferguson -- Scoutmasters don't have the AUTHORITY to perform weddings.'

'It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is he died laughing before her could tell anybody.'

'So, Mr. Ross, you want us all to believe this murder was just a 'mistake'? Come on, Bob. Don't you really mean a 'happy little accident''

"We moved to the sea to get away from the crowd, only to find they'd moved to the sea."

"It's funny 'cos it's true!"

"'Let's introduce him to a mirror' he said. 'It'll be fun he said'. You call the coroner!"

I heard you were well sick.

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"In high school, I was quite the star in metal shop."

Copycats

Polly txt speak

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"'I don't want war'. . . well, wither our translation program is broke or this president has a strange kind of humor!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

"Now, were those friends of your Gettys or Gottis?"

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

'I'll have the crab cake, and he'll have the crabby cake.'

"These are the very weapons your mother and I used in our famous duel."

I will study my speling words...

Seniors Snooker Tournament.

'..and we thank thee for these bio-engineered vegetables..'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'