American Dream Humorist Gifts

'As Americans, we have it made ... in China.'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

'I've been sitting on this mountain for 25 years, and what I've learned is that true happiness can only be found in the soothing relief of a fast-acting hemorrhoid cream!'

"There's got to be a better way to raise potatoes!"

The Idea of America.

DACA

"First you leave me in the waiting room for two hours before I can see you... then you tell me I've got to watch my blood pressure!"

He hurt himself taking out the Christmas tree? But it's February! That's not all, he tripped over the jack-o-lantern!

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

"Most people would jump at an opportunity like this."

'... And I'd like to thank my agent and everyone who voted for me... '

Echo Mountain...NO Yodeling! - Falling rock zone.

'Yes, it's very nice. But, that isn't what I meant when I asked you to be more creative, in bed.'

"I like a diet rich in surfers."

'I'm worried that if I study too hard, I couldn end up being a teacher.'

"Wow, 27, not bad! Me, I've ruined 53 surfing competitions..."

'Really, this award has come as a great surprise...'

'Surely you could have missed one episode of Eastenders !!'

"I see a huge spider on the wall ... whatever you do, do not move!"

"I didn't spend seventeen days climbing this bloody mountain, in all weathers, for a lecture on personal hygiene!"

"The adventures of Robin Hood are becoming a lot less adventurous."

Man trying to get to sleep by counting cloned sheep.

'I'm not up here seeking wisdom - this is the only place they'll let me smoke.'

"This is not the sort of America I envisioned, Tom-an America in which the middle class has to use public transportation."

"Read me that story that puts you to sleep so I can play in the internet."

Designer

That comes with a side? Okay, I'll have the freedom fries... No scratch that. Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled mashed potatoes.

Barack Obama.

"He's chasing his dreams."

Sunny desert island next to rainy desert islands.

"Love makes the world go round?! What...for 30 seconds a month?!"

"Look Papa! What's that?"

"Awesome. You made it look so real, people will think you came close to actually falling."

'Dear Santa, when I asked for a ship, what I meant was...'