Comedian's Muse Gifts

'If you ain't broke, I'll fix it.'

"We saw some inspired lunacy, then had some uninspired Italian."

'Of course I love you! Would I be working this late if I didn't?'

'We're experiencing a temporary fire outage. Is there an arsonist in the house?'

"I told you they'd chuck us off the bus with those smelly egg butties."

I may need glasses, Martha, but I know when you've gone overboard with your makeup!

'And happy Valentine's Day to you Greg, or is it Jerry... or is it Dana... or is it Jack... or is it Orlando... or is it Frederick... or is it Bob or is it Ron...'

Cannibals self catering holiday park.

God turning Adam and Eve away from Club Eden.

'I couldn't afford to go on vacation this year, so I just walked downtown and got mugged instead.'

"We're being paid minimum wage so do only a minimum, amount of work."

"Don't pretend it's a pet, you're just too mean to buy an alarm clock!"

Donald "Ralph Kramden" Trump explains why he will not release his tax returns...

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

What say we rough it today and go without ice in our drinks!

"I know, I know, every time we come here, I swear I'm going to try something new, but I always end up getting the same thing."

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

Another day at work would be one too many...

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Rap music

“...And on the ninth day God created mosquitoes, just to annoy the hell out of everyone.”

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"I hate it when the damned things decide they need to get out and burn off some calories."

Toy plane with pilot eject.

'When you said you had an investment in gold, you didn't mention it was in your teeth!'

A private jet takes off

"He's declared it an area of natural beauty"

Rodin's Thinker.

'After the tone, please leave your name and number.'

'That's funny, everybody else is going downstream.'

Exit Next Left

'Well, if nothing else, Brad, your wine selection does prove you have a sense of humor.'

"Over millions of years, carbon turns to diamond. Yet it took dad plus his grill mere minutes to turn last night's marinated chicken into that carbon."