Column Enthusiast Gifts

'I'm an accountant, dear. I see columns everyday.'

"That's how the middle class fight. They fight with columns."

Squeezing the Free Press.

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

The writer: something who devotes a lifetime of solitude to the same of communication.

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Junior's writing has improved. His letters from college pleading for more money, are froceful and flawlessly written.'

'Maybe fruit flies don't have souls.'

Alice in Wonderland - Painting the Rose Tree.

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'You've been killing files again.'

'I suppose that's where things get ironed out.'

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

After 9pm Harry Lomax slips quietly into cruise control.

"Yeah, and the new job lets me work from home."

"Queen begins with Q, it should be precisely here."

The Colonel reading Clive's letters to the ladies of the regiment.

'What, They're comfortable.'

The Original Gossip Columns

'Is your cap on tight? We don't want any more accidents in the bed, do we?'

Introverted Chair

Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, and Broken Pillars.

The Daily Fury

"Careful... if you look too comfortable they take your chair away."

'Instead of nagging you, Walter, I've decided to write a syndicated column!'

Skier.

Reserved Parking

"I've been a postie for 20 years. . ."

Will Self deprecation

"Wait a minute. Where am I going? I'm a writer."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"While you were on vacation, Zooker, a motion was made and seconded to saw five and a half inches off your chair legs."