Column Connoisseurs Gifts

'I can't believe you just said that Satchel's writing is better than mine.'

Reading my Critics

The Family Joules: Part 16

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Imported Candy. "Chocolate Australian Bears"? Yes --- "Coca-Koalas"!

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

Henrik Ibsen,

'Who's the new guy?'

'If your name's not on the Liszt, you're not coming in.'

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

Sculptor's chippings

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Barbed Pen

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"He's a mental-health critic."

"It's too academic."

"But now it won't stay in mint condition."

Film Critic

'I wonder if TED ever listens.'

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

Big deal! If you were smart, you'd have waited for the price of gold to go up. Everyone's a critic.

Algernon Swinburne

Crazy Ideas

Chimp with mail-order anthill.

"Are you talking to me?"

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

Comment on food.

Bahrain F1

They said he couldn't have a two-liter soda, and he just went crazy!

"We have some architects in our colony."

Now Showing: "Mucky Wucky" Rated Z. That means Roger Ebert slept through it.