Column Connoisseurs T-Shirts

'I can't believe you just said that Satchel's writing is better than mine.'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

Henrik Ibsen,

'Who's the new guy?'

'If your name's not on the Liszt, you're not coming in.'

Bee to bee: 'We used buzzwords before they were trendy.'

Sculptor's chippings

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Barbed Pen

"He's a mental-health critic."

"It's too academic."

"But now it won't stay in mint condition."

Film Critic

'... And that's all from this bulletin. But I'll be back with more bad news at six.'

Crazy Ideas

Bahrain F1

"We have some architects in our colony."

Comment on food.

"Are you talking to me?"

Chimp with mail-order anthill.

Algernon Swinburne

'Your baseball card has more value than you do.'

'So, Bob, we've decided to do some rebranding!'