College Search Gifts

What are you looking for in a college? A strong environmental program. Ok. Pick 4 or 5 we could visit. I've got 3 days for the trip. There's one in Ohio. Can do. One in Maine, Iowa and California. You need a good geography program. Here's another one. Where's St. Paul?

Here's the college for me! It's totally green. Let's see. I though you wanted warm weather. Look at the brochure. There's no snow in any of the pictures. The school is in Minnesota. Wow! Early signs of global warming. Who knew it hit college brochures first?

"Actually, I'm hoping what I'm going to be when I grow up hasn't been invented yet."

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

"Yes Dad, I passed math and now I'm passing chemistry and physics."

"Still, diving for it would look good on my college application.

"College basketball recruiters are after him."

'Another football scholarship offer?'

Bribes for Jabs

I'm getting ready to apply for college. Do you have a list of party schools?

'He's got classic form, but if he doesn't improve his grades he won't get into college. He doesn't think.'

Finally I understand why it's called 'Higher Education!'

'This scholarship application is great. You must have received an A in creative writing.'

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

The team video didn't spotlight my talents. I've hired my own film crew. They'll showcase my skills so college recruiters can see my strengths. Wow! How can the director pack so much into one little video? Great point! Daddy? Tell Steven Spielberg we're going feature length. Nice save!

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'It's my application to Harvard...'

It's a letter from Tim. He claims his grades are improving and he might even make the DEEN's list.

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

'I wish his guidance counselor spent more time on college plans and less time suggesting names for his band.'

"Where am I going to college? I thought this was college."

Look! There's a photo of our eco club's Earth Day actions in the newspaper! Sports. Power up the green machine!! I could use more copies. Me too. They're going to really power up my college applications.

The 5 paragraph essay is sooo stupid. Why do we have to learn it? So you can get good SAT scores. That will get you into a good college, and then a good job. So you never have to write another 5-paragraph essay again.

"Stop applying! You've been accepted to three universities!"

'I'm partially passing my Meteorology course.'

State U. He procrastinated and is now trying to do all the work for his middle English literature class in a couple of days. "Canterburied," is he?!

Scenes we'd most like to see...

"Well, my IQ is 180--and that's in Centigrade, not Fahrenheit."

Morton's pride was understandable. He was the first in the Pinhead Family to ever graduate.

It's college orientation time. The brain cell is attending an elite academic university, and the hormones and endorphins are going to party schools. The muscle cell earned an athletic scholarship. And it looks like the DNA molecule has already picked a major. The DNA has life planned out. It's chemically active down there. The individual atoms are excited, but also seem a bit sad. Of course! Going off to college is an emotional time for them. Old bonds are breaking and new ones are bein

'If you are not careful, son, you will be mathematically eliminated from all of the Ivy League schools.'

"Of course I'm not quitting school, Dad! If anything, I've learned that if you want to succeed, you need passion and leadership and a whatever-it-takes attitude!"

"If you have to ask, you can't afford it."

"Aren't you young to be worrying about college?"

"The counselor wasn't much help about getting into college. All he said was to study hard and get good grades."