College Professor Friend Gifts

"Surely, as the world's only superpower, we're entitled to a little mischief now and then."

'Hmph. College kids.'

Wally Begins research for his thesis entitled "who's a good dog?"

'It's rather unorthodox, but it appears the deposit refund on the empties will cover your first interest payment.'

"I have a recurring nightmare that I've taken a test, and the professor won't give me an 'A'."

'Your classroom management techniques work in practice but not in theory. That worries me.'

"He said he doesn't want to see me in his office again..."

'Unemployed math grad. Will solve quadratic equations for food."

Big Rock University. Guidance Counselor. I'd like to switch my major from hunting to gathering!

Chicken soup for the adjunct professors soul

“Today we are going to be learning percentages.”

'This part was tenure.'

Spring To Do List: Teach, Testing, Testing,Test Some More. . .

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

Through These Hallowed Halls, walks Our Future - "Talk about putting pressure on a guy!"

'You have failed on all counts...'

Subatomic particles

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

What Does God Know?

The Giamatti era

Man, Lemont … how long's it been? Twenty years? Just about. You still working at Pigville Pork Burgers? Nah … I got a job as the Candorville Chronicles White House correspondent. Then I went on to found Candorville.com, the internet's seventh largest source for news and opinion. Oh. That's cool. That's cool. How do you not know this? We're Facebook friends. I post links to my articles every day. We were roommates all through college, and you don't even read my updates? Facebook's for reading yo

Endangered Species - Hardly/Slightly/Extremely.

'Yes, your papers seem to have lots of citations, but I've checked: They're all self-citations...'

'They say my tests are too hard. Maybe I should switch from Essay to Connect-the-Dot.'

"I was a primary school teacher. What did you do?"

Smart Bomb.

Professor Swizzlestix explains his point....

Dear folks. Well, you were right; being the prettiest gator of the Everglades hasn't helped me one bit.'

"Sorry, had to barf real quick... so where were we?"

"IBS isn't all bad. It was largely responsible for me winning 6 sprinting medals in college track."

"Meanwhile in Dogtown... Put your tongue back in your mouth. And pull up your pants. That’s not what your mom said last night."

"I can't believe I'm paying $5,000 a month for you to stream Intro to Psychology when I get all of TV for $15.99."

"I don't like a school year that begins with 'while you were out'."

"Congratulations Professor, the committee 'okayed' your grant request."

"Yes, Donald, I know you didn't expect a test today... that's why it's called a pop quiz!"