Collecting Puns Pillows

"It's snail mail. It's written very small I'll read it to you."

'Because of my osteoporosis, my days of shooting from the hip are numbered.'

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

"Sorry, boss, but I'd like to take a leaf of absence."

'I think there's something wrong with my new Herring aid - it's giving me a haddock.'

Ms. Rusmore

'Ashley Cooper's Toe Truck.'

Achoo

'I guess it's true what they say: spirits just don't mix'

Baroquin' around the Christmas Tree

That's what I call Flour Power!

"Aloe!"

Bill Of Sale

"Nut Case"

"How much did it cost to have your ears pierced?"

"Why do you call the new sheepdog Bra?"

Sofa King: Where our prices are sofa king low!

"Every five minutes it's 'feed me this, get me that' or something along those lines, I mean, I'm parrot-phrasing."

"All As. What did you get?"

Contact Lenses

"I always like to have a couple of bucks floating around the car."

"He's a para-military-keet."

Random Ox of Kindness

"I used to hate the idea of facial hair - but then it grew on me..."

"What's wrong Jack?"

"You're crackers!"

pickled onions...

"Of course teachers should have access to marijuana. I'm a firm believer in high education."

T.V. Guide

"Unplug and chill out."

"The moment he told me he lived in a lighthouse, I knew he was a keeper."

"A hop scotch, of course."

"You're nice and all, Steven, but I'm looking for someone who's a little more grounded."

"I'm concerned about my high bill."

"I've just broken my glasses... Will I have to be examined all over again?"