Coffee Shop Dwellers Gifts

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

Like, Latte. So that's a vanilla almond with soy, extra foam, whipped cream, nutmeg, and caramel. Leave room for coffee?

"So this coffee shop if your 'hangout'?"

Wifi in Hell

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

You've Had Enough!

"Those new coffee drones are really starting to get on my nerves."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

Decapitated coffee.

National Coffee Day

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

How About Serving Us For a Change

Wifi whore

'I'm a purist. I don't take anything in my Vanilla Mocha Dulce Latte.'

"When it comes to good, old-fashioned roots music, this guy is the BEST!"

'Thanks for coming out with me. I really needed a caffeine fix.'

Kitty's Coffee Shop

"The WiFi password is: 'buysomethingorgetout'."

"Soy latte for 'Actually Frankenstein is the doctor I don’t have a name.'"

"Guess we are going to the coffee shop!"

Starbucks doubles its sales by devising a way to sell coffee over the Internet,

'I don't get it... Our business model was exactly the same.'

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"There you go bra. Double flat white and homage to Rothko's Seagram series."

The Coffee Tattoo

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

St Bernard with Cappucino, Espresso, and Latte.

"Introducing the Schultzaccino. Neither tea nor coffee."

Boss, customers are asking why you've doubled prices. I'm just being fair. When the cost of coffee beans go up, everyone thinks I'm justified in raising the price of coffee. But cost increases come in all shapes and sizes. What about my new 80" tv? What about my new car note? What about my manservant I just imported from London? I dream of the day when all costs can be passed on to customers equally. Greed is not a civil right issue!

'Sorry we don't do black decaf.'

Meet The People in the Bookstore Café Staring at Their Laptops 2-4 p.m.

Dateline - Caf

"Six hundred Starbucks closing? Really? Is that on the East Side or West Side?"