Coal Critic Gifts

Joe Manchin Precedes a Climate Crisis

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

'That's our mission statement.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Humans...What is their purpose?

Reading my Critics

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

"The new chairman has dropped the brain-storming meetings."

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

'We've just become the biggest corporation in America.. let's celebrate today and begin downsizing tomorrow.'

'An exxpert team set up a team of special consultants, that then set up a committee whose members asked their 7 year old kids. Now 14 months later they've concluded we're not efficient enough.'

'Our problem is how to lower quality while raising prices...'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

'I really wish you guys would knock that off.'

'I give this one about three months...'

"We offer a generous flex time policy - you can work your 90 hours per week any way you'd like."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

XYZ Inc, putting a folksy, human face on unfettered corporate greed for over 50 years.

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

Desk plaque: 'P. Burnside, Upper-Echelon Nincompoop'

'If you have nothing to do don't come round here and do it.'

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

'Sorry, I can't give you a raise. However, I can offer you a splendid opportunity to share the profits.'

"Brandon isn't adapting well to the open office concept."

Suggestions box in a toilet.

"When we changed the company name, the stocks went through the roof!"

"Progress is going around in the same circle...but faster."