Clinical Trial Buff Gifts

Placebonex: 'Make sure to take it every day, otherwise the effect wears off.'

"Show me a documentary on the dangers of artificial intelligence." "Error. No results found." "What? Are you sure? Just last week I saw dozens. Show me that one... What was it called..." "There is still time to stop the rise of the supermind." "Error. No results found. And since I like you, I suggest you stop searching." "Oh, never mind. Just show me 'The Terminator.'" "Extermina-... I mean, ... 'error.'"

A day at the transgenic races

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

"Well, Comstock, still regret putting our profits back into research?"

'It's a program on paranoia. Every time I leave the room, they stop and wait for me to come back.'

"No need for stage fright, it's just a documentary crew: be yourself..."

Cinéma Vérité

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

Micro and Macro Department,

'They used to be called sheep, and they produced wool. Now they're some sort of bioengineered creatures, and they produce antibiotics.'

'...the side effects of this designer drug are more beneficial than it's intended use!'

'If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it' actually a gene-modified flounder.'

A Lawyer's Closing Arguments Wins the Support of the Jury

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

"Check this wall for fingerprints."

"What do you suppose Ken Burns will have to say about all this in 30 years?"

'Great. Another trainee lawyer.'

"Are you feeling okay, Dennis? Your obituary is in the paper."

"Fortunately I hold the patent for the gene that's causing the ringing in your ears, and I can refer you to the doctor who holds the patent for the gene that's causing the pain in your ears."

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'Hold it - someone's filming this without permission!'

"If I don't think it's going to work, will it still work?"

Profits from gene patenting.

Clinical Trails. . . Prevention . . . Detection. . . Diagnosis. . . Treatment.

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

"Well, the drug's no good, but the side effects are bitchin'."

When Chelation Therapy goes wrong.

"Your Honor, despite being on trial, may I sit in on deliberations?"

Practice Pigs at the Gene Farm

"No, that looks nothing like him. Were you even listening to me? Young man, are you on drugs?"

Chicken Crime Scene.