Clickbait Detective Gifts

"It just happened. The entire internet is now nothing but clickbait."

A star called Gliese 710 is about to pass through our solar system and head straight for earth! Well … by "about to," I mean in about 1.35 million years. And by "through our solar system," I mean through our oort cloud. And by "head straight for earth" I mean it'll pass us by about 13,000 times the distance between the sun and the earth. Is a crowd gathering around me? No. I told you, click-bait headlines only work on the internet.

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

Alternative Medicine

"..Your analysis and medication would be perfect if you were a goat."

'See, dear, you can't believe everything you read. It says so right here on the internet!'

The new Physics

Internet Magazine.

Says here the Navy's going to be patrolling the South China Sea. It could spark a history-changing war. Google tells me the last time a Naval conflict changed history, it was the Battle of Midway. You were alive at that time. How awesome was it to already be ancient when Midway happened? I never expected a question like that from a prepubescent stooge like you. Was it as awesome as when you saw Cleopatra lose at the Battle of Actium? I see you're bringing Google's a-game today.

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

"Didn't I warn you about buying medication from the internet?!"

"Hacking and eavesdropping are my top skills. I guess you could say I'm a good listener."

You won't believe what happens in circle 6!! Dante's Inferno updated.

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

"I think Baxter needs a break."

"They'll never guess how we stole their data."

Vacancy at the Ecuadoran Embassy

"If this is secret information the government doesn't want us to know, how come we can read about it on facebook?"

I'd like a second opinion on your self-diagnosis - So a random guy from the waiting room is googling your symptoms.

"Hello, I am a Nigerian Prince and I need your help!!! Please send me $500 and your bank routing number. You will rewarded with 10% of 12.7 million dollars and my undying friendship. Best wishes, Prince John Barron."

'I find if I'm the first one in and the first one out, Ponzi schemes can be very lucrative.'

"The tweet you posted last night struck a chord around the world, united all factions, and basically altered the course of humanity."

"...and for your part in the computer fraud I sentence you to eighteen months @www.hermajestiesprison.co.uk"

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

The Darknet starts right here.

"If there's a way in, they'll find it."

'To be honest I generally only deal with clients by phone or email.'

"I'm doing a think piece on me."

Berlitz guide to Scamese

Clickbait Moses- "Thou won't believe the 10 #life hacks to avoid eternal damnation"

Amateur Spam.

It's only an email, what harm can it do?

'Four out of five websites disagree with your diagnosis.'