Classic Tv Viewer Gifts

You're watching the Nostalgia Channel. Based on your preoccupation with the past, we assume you're no spring chicken. Based on the fact that it's the middle of the night, we assume you're an unemployed, debt-ridden insomniac. So, you can expect a lot of commercials about illness, debt consolidation and erectile dysfunction. Enjoy the show!

'Do you understand his language, Tonto?', 'It's Creek to me.'

In-flight entertainment

"Lassie, go get help!" "Oh Timmy you idiot! Not again!"

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

'We need you to settle a bet -- was 'Twilight Zone' a sitcom or a documentary?'

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'Our regular programs will not be seen tonight, because our Station Manager is in a 'Three Stooges' mood.'

"Do you know any other songs besides the theme to The Andy Griffin Show?"

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

Mary Tyler Moore: Spot the Difference

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

Somewhere in America... the day after "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" came to an end.

'Come quick: Rin Tin Tin is on TV again...'

"What's the final episode of 'Seinfeld' about?""It's about nothing."

"I know he's funny, boy, but he’s also the president of the United States."

The Old Time Television Channel

Must-See Lockdown TV.

"What would you like to watch again?"

'Your mom is probably watching. Go for the jugular.'

'Time for my favorite soap opera, Nine Lives to Live.'

'We couldn't give away black-and-white TVs until we started advertising them as having 'non multi-color capability'.'

Tsars in their eyes.

'...According to the survey, Canadians prefer the doggie style positions, so the can both keep watching the Hockey game...'

'Who do you think you're kidding? -- You lifted that alibi from a September, 1958 episode of 'Perry Mason!'

"As I recall, Leonard, when we first watched 'The Honeymooners' you said that it marked the decline and fall of Western culture."

"Sooner or later you just knew it had to come to this. . ."

John Laurie

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

The Bronze Age of Television

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

After traveling across the universe for thousands of years, an episode of "Leave It To Beaver" is received by an inhabitant of a distant galaxy.

George Baker

"You've searched every streaming site there is and the best you can come up with is Gilligan's Island?"

You probably perfected your ability to mete out justice by watching "Perry Mason" as a kid. Personally, I perfected my ability to lie by watching "Leave It To Beaver."