Classic Story Lover Gifts

'Careful Sire, it might contain lead.'

David Trying to Remember How Goliath Ever Got on His Calendar

B.B.C. Watchdog

Eight dwarves become seven. Heart Attacky's just collapsed.

"We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto. They're using the metric system."

William Tell

'Gretel, she's lying. It's not gluten free!'

"Just kiss her you idiot!!!"

'With hindsight, Samson realised that he should have suspected something'

'What happened to you?'

"Aesop, schmaesop."

Ghost of Happy Holidays Future

"Kiss her? Are you crazy? Can you imagine the morning breath she'll have after 20 years of sleep?"

Witch sends Friend Requests to Hansel and Gretel

"The forest has been cleared, Little Red Riding Hood has gone because her grandma is now buying her stuff online and you're asking me why I started drinking? Seriously?"

"Hey Sneezy, don't be dopey... you need to mask up!"

Turandot

'I'm afraid your huffing and puffing days are over.'

Jack and the beanstalk.

Prince pulls whole hair and face off of Rapunzel's head.

'Jeez! What comes after 'huff'?'

Witch from Snow White talks to her Magic Mirror,

'Frankly, I think you've got a cheek asking me if you're the fairest of them all.'

Bear begs near sign: 'Hungry. Porridge stolen by Goldilocks please help.'

"Me Tarzan. You CGI."

Smoking dwarfs.

Alice in Wonderland - The Pig Baby.

"I knew it. You've been sleeping with that Rapunzel b***h."

(Mother Goose: playboy's Mirthful Master of the Macabre serves Up Some Strange Twists On a Clutch of Children's Classics.) "Is this supposed to be somebody's idea of a joke?"

"Can I get back to you? I'm with a customer."

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Nathaniel Hawthorne

"Once upon a time, there was a princess who wasn't about to take anyone's sh*t."

'Yes, all at once!'

Kid to mom: 'Tell me again about the time you helped fortress a city, subdue hostile fire and got home and baked us all raspberry strudels.'