Church Rituals Gifts

'I do like a smoke afterwards.'

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

Priest's 'To do' list.

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Oh, we're not religious. We only go on the solstices and equinoxes."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Friday

Teaching a Sunday school class didn't end the way John imagined.

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Priest

'I've got two tickets to Handel's Messiah -- What time do you get off work?'

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"I'm getting red fruits, earth tones, and oak. Amen."

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

Verger Works

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Monk Prompt

"That's our new church mascot."

'Due to our failure to secure a holiday-relief organisty, the next hymn will also be sung to the tune of Chopsticks.'

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

Baptism Then and Now

"It would be great if you could turn the smoke machine down a little during worship..."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

'The good stuff is here, under the counter.'

'I noticed you don't sleep during the sermons anymore.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

'I don't think we're devoted to the Lord. I think we're devoted to dessert.'

When Holy Cows are sent out to "Pastor"

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'