Religious Rituals Gifts

"Well this blows"

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Oh, we're not religious. We only go on the solstices and equinoxes."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

"I'm having my entrails read."

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

Naturists feelings of joy evaporate when a slug climbs up his arse

'I'm so glad this bedtime story comes in audio.'

"He's a very alternative vicar - he's installed wind chimes.'

"If I ask you something, will you promise not to get mad?"

Confirmation of Westminster School Boys at the Abbey

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

''Fasting' doesn't mean eating fast food!'

Do you kneel to pray in church? No, we stand up for our rites.

Uses of a Dead Cat in History: Ganges

Hold it, I think I need something more than "because it's traditional."

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

'I just joined the Freemasons and I'm afraid you're our next sacrifice..'

Nadal's bottles

Indian Face Painting

"Ah! What a glorious day to be dead!"

'Bless me, Father - I'm a father.'

Snowboy becomes a Snowman.

"Good Lord, this is grape juice!"

"The baby apologises for missing the Christening, he had an urgent appointment."

'I have a rigid routine...sharpen pencils, organise desk, have writers block and start my nervous breakdown after lunch.'

'I do like a smoke afterwards.'

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

"How do you like our Wednesday-night get-togethers?"

Dowsing for Coffee

Passover wine - 'I will buy a decent cabaret next year.'

Woman indicates church's no-smoking sign: "Does this mean no more burning of incense?"

"Except for the actual sacrifice, all this is largely symbolic."