Religious Rite Gifts

Confirmation of Westminster School Boys at the Abbey

"Hue More Church Candlelight mass 7:00pm - 8:00pm"

"Oh, we're not religious. We only go on the solstices and equinoxes."

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

"I'm having my entrails read."

Dance of the Red (Papal) Shoes.

Nothing like that first cup of coffee, eh, Frank?

Naturists feelings of joy evaporate when a slug climbs up his arse

'I'm so glad this bedtime story comes in audio.'

"He's a very alternative vicar - he's installed wind chimes.'

"If I ask you something, will you promise not to get mad?"

The Wackoman (Heat it).

'Shhhhh...He's preparing for the holiday season.'

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

''Fasting' doesn't mean eating fast food!'

Hold it, I think I need something more than "because it's traditional."

Do you kneel to pray in church? No, we stand up for our rites.

Joe's Bar: Sorry, closed to the public due to on-premises 'Bar Mitzvah'.

"Ready? It's your bloopers tape."

'I just joined the Freemasons and I'm afraid you're our next sacrifice..'

Congregation

Nadal's bottles

Indian Face Painting

'Bless me, Father - I'm a father.'

"Ah! What a glorious day to be dead!"

The Passover Police

"The baby apologises for missing the Christening, he had an urgent appointment."

"How do you like our Wednesday-night get-togethers?"

I imagine at your age, you attend a lot of funerals, Sadie. Oh, yes, they're quite lovely. As a child, I attended birthday parties. As a lass, I attended sweet sixteens. As a young adult, I attended weddings. As a mature woman, I attended retirement parties. Now, in the twilight of life, I attend funerals. "Deathday" parties, if you will. And it's beautiful. Because it's all come full circle? Because for once, I don't have to buy the %$&*@ a gift.

'I do like a smoke afterwards.'

Christening

"We gather here today in memory of Chuckles, Kornflake, Doodles, Yo-Yo, Cupcake...."

'I have a rigid routine...sharpen pencils, organise desk, have writers block and start my nervous breakdown after lunch.'

Dowsing for Coffee

Passover wine - 'I will buy a decent cabaret next year.'