Church Representative Gifts

"Is your church up for the 'Best Media Coverage' award?"

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Two Men Discuss Ministers.

'God's forgiveness of sins ... is that like a spiritual bailout program?'

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"We missed you at church Sunday."

"That's our new church mascot."

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'Sorry mate. Your church doesn't meet the minimum building code.'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

Midwest Winter Items.

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"Tia Carmen, if times are tough, how come you're giving money away?"

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'On the other hand, you must never, ever work in mysterious ways.'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'To avoid possible schism, a period of careful reflection is needed before changing the light-bulb.'

Pastor puts up sign on pole stating that he is 'serving' his 1,000th sermon.

'Details of the summer fete can be found on our website. The address is on the notice board at the back of the church.'

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

Follow God On Twitter

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

Church Restoration Fund.

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

"Could you make it a quick sermon? I get my Easter basket right after church."

The Old Enemies - Catholics and Protestants

'It helps with reception.'