Church Councilor Gifts

"May the good Lord bless this Town Council for the revival of our religious invocations. We thank Thee in the name of Jesus Christ!"

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

"You seem troubled, Pastor. Is anything worrying you...I mean aside from the sins of the world, the vanity of humankind, man's inhumanity to man..."

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

Cleric with bible briefcase.

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

Michelangelo is painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling and a priest comes to check how he's going - 'Michelangelo, what the hell is that? I just wanted a couple of coats of duck-egg blue!'

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"If anyone wants me, Ms. Clark, I'll be down in the youth department."

"As a member of the Sunday praise team you are not allowed to "change it up", whenever you feel led."

CCTV in church.

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

Nun Binning the Devil

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'Your copyright is invalid, you spelled (c) wrong.'

'That's GRAVEN images, not GRAVY images.'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

"It's a cup holder."

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

People bell ringing - 'RING TONES'

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

"Ah, you'll be wanting our red tape department, third door on the left!"

'I don't get it. He's got only one tongue and two ears, but he talks twice as much as he listens.'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'If you're a nun, where's your nunchucks?'

Conclave.

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

"...And for anyone who forgot to bring something for the collection..."

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...