Church Avoider Gifts

'He always breaks away from the Church on Sunday mornings.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

Crowded Ice Fishing

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

Verger Works

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

Worried man looking at stock market chart on his computer screen with office party going on in the background.

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

"It's a cup holder."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

Nervous at a party.

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First O.M.G. church.