Church Avoider Pillows

'He always breaks away from the Church on Sunday mornings.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

Crowded Ice Fishing

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

"It's essential I go to work to avoid being with my family."

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

Verger Works

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"There appears to be a direct correlation between fewer meetings and higher productivity."

"We're going to see my family. There's an extra twenty in it for you if we never get there."

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Worried man looking at stock market chart on his computer screen with office party going on in the background.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"I hope you don't call that a party face."

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"Today's sermon will be followed immediately by a rebuttal from the opposition."

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

"Any other reason for your disappointment with God other than your team has never won a Superbowl?"

'I'm falling in love with Eddie... he has the most beautiful biggest organ ever!'

"It's a cup holder."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Of course my fact-finding tour is legitimate. Can I help if if there are more facts in the Bahamas than Cleveland?'

"Oh nooo, we can't skip church. Why, we'll just sleep when we're dead!"

'Fortunately, the Almighty is compassionate, kind, understanding, and hopefully tone deaf.'

Choirmaster conducting, with one hand over a choirboy's mouth.

"Having completed the formation of the earth, on the seventh day the Lord rested. Then, on the eighth day, the Lord said, 'Let there be problems.' And there were problems."

"Let's see what's going on in the world."

Todays Sermon: 'Can our entitlements be saved?'

Nervous at a party.

'Can I go home now, before I get overeducated?'

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

First O.M.G. church.