Christmas Coordinator Pillows

'Santa is the delivery man, I'm the CEO. Do you know what a CEO is, Lisa?'

"Managing the budget is a doodle compared to organising the staff Christmas dinner!"

Gracie goes to get cookies for Santa, but Papi has eaten them all.

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

Wait - If this is a big bag of toys, where's the big bag of dirty laundry? Worst Christmas morning ever.

"Not guilty?"

"Of course, I'm willing to negotiate. . ."

'Tom will coordinate our pre-holiday point-of-purchase displays and Mark will coordinate our post holiday point-of-return displays.'

TV Interactive panto - Remote control buttons: Oh yes it is - Oh no it isn't.

'Actually, they're pretty nice, once they settle down.'

New Year's Eve party for dogs

"Oh, as long as he needs you, Santa's a great guy. But once things slow down and he wants a little vacation time with Mrs. C., it's 'goodbye North Pole, hello crappy temp job!'"

3 Pointless Things To Do At Christmas: Add a little festivity to your favourite fast food/Look up an old friend/Murder the Scotch.

A midwinter potluck! How lovely!! Let me check the calendar! Oh, too bad! Thwack! We already have something on that date!

"Post-holiday dieting will be much easier this year. Our disposable cash flow will be diverted."

"I'm looking for something that the recipient will be too embarrassed to regift."

Poinsettia

"Would you like Daddy to tend the pin?"

Happy New Year

'The train due to arrive at platform 2 will now arrive at platform 19.'

What're you doing for Thanksgiving, little buddy? Having a huge party. It'll be full of turkey, cranberry sauce, wine, eggnog, football, and friends and family who love me dearly. Oh, good. I was afraid you'd be alone all day playing video games. "Turkey Slaughter VI" is no ordinary game. You're coming to my place.

"What are you cooking for Thanksgiving, Tia Carmen?"

Honey?! Can you bring up two crowbars to Twig's room? What for? She needs help. Mo-om! You're being extreme. Done! You've got plenty of space to hang your new Christmas clothes. Ok. I'll clean out my closet. Our work is done!

"For Christmas you got me a roll of wrapping paper? And you wrapped it?"

Due to company cutbacks please only photocopy one buttock.

'We will fill in that space after we hear what you have in mind for summer vacation!'

'After that 24 hour beer and fruit cake binge, you need a radical detox!'

Keep your answers short and in the form of a question.

Party

Hang the PJ's

"The baby apologises for missing the Christening, he had an urgent appointment."

'It mightn't be HD, but it's Christmassy!'

Father Christmas dishing out money for the retailers

'Hello, is that the temp agency? Now listen, I specifically asked for Elves!'