Cheerful Commenters Gifts

Check your universal remote control at the door.

"Hey, the neighbors just installed a new wifi router."

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

"Pollyanna, your teeth are shot. Stop sugar coating everything!"

"I'm a common dolphin, I swim the west coast of Scotland foraging for fish and squid."

Collected works

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

Doom & Gloom

'Well that's a load off my mind. Osborne's cutting the 50p tax rate.'

"Don't forget to come back."

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

'Nothing about equal opportunity?'

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

Be sure to tell us if the school tries cyberspying again. Ok, mom. It's wrong to snap webcam pics of students. Uh-huh. They shouldn't use computers that way! Besides, it's a waste of time. They could just check the kid's facebook page, What were they thinking?

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

"My big fat ego has just discovered Twitter!"

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

'And I'm sure Brian would have appreciated his facebook friends turning up today.'

Lady to man with many birds: 'You would have to buy a mimic!'

A Quick Guide to Our New Post-Truth Political Era.

"Who's the fairest of them all, not using instagram filters?"

Golf Shop. Sale. I need a ball that comes with distance, accuracy, and a tiny little life jacket.

"Are you sure this sport is now drug free?"

"I've been married four times... do you think my resistance is down?"

Cupcake icing and matching hairstyles.

All the fox hunts are out to test the new law! What a load of hunts!

Baubles

Antonin Scalia's last action results in a unanimous decision

'Do you think children are growing up too fast?' 'Yes Mummy.'

In court: 'So help me, which God?'