Cheerful Commentator Gifts

'Showed me up you did, the only one politely applauding and wearing a tie!'

Check your universal remote control at the door.

'One more for me an Tiffany, and one more for you and the road.'

Nature is going crazy! Extremely hot summers, tornadoes, floods. . .and now Frank comes home sober on a Friday evening at 10 PM!

A lady playing piano and a man talking to her

Surgery is to be encouraged to set up food banks

'Twigs... great, that'll be comfortable.'

Doom & Gloom

In baseball we can't practice social distancing when everybody is told to stay at home.

The tree of liberty can survive only so much grafting.

"Let's see how brave you are without your gun."

Justice for a heckler.

Do you believe in money at first sight?

"Thanks for my pocket money Dad. But you forgot to add 17.5% VAT."

A Stray Curmudgeon in a Field of Perennial Optimists.

Poking gentle fun at the company in the blog wasn't meant to include saying that the chief exec had a face like a baboons bottom.

People want as much government as they deserve.

"Well, it's only one glass after dinner darling!"

"While a cure for curiosity remains elusive, it continues to take a deadly toll."

Nice Old Ladies Tend to Look at the Bright Side of Things: 'As kids my brother and I took turns beating each other up!' 'Well, I think it's wonderful when kids take turns!'

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

People with anything valuable to say rarely become orators.

"He's a good boy, but he sheds like crazy."

Our staff are very pleased, she's one of the brightest in her class. (What do you expect? I'm a genius!) I don't know where she gets it from...

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"Once you get past the divine right of kings, I'm not much into theology."

'Never mind dear, at least you cut him with your razor sharp wit.'

GPs press for sick note reform

'Without a pay raise, it's impossible to attract good people to government -- why, just look at me!'

'I think I've solved my drinking problem.'

'The bar's famous for its high spirits.'

If you had awful, disgusting fish-breath, would you want someone to tell you? Nice try, amateur. But you're talking to the woman who wrote "The Art Of The Insult." It was a best-seller in 1941. You just quoted chapter 48, paragraph 7: "The Plausibly Deniable IF-sult." Yeah. Right, you made that up. Nice try. Chapter 42: "Sarcastic Dismiss-sult."

"Thanks, but no thanks -- Valentines just lead to the hard stuff."

"I used to have a good head for business. Then I went and got married."

'I'm just reaching my sexual innuendo peak.'