Chatty Gardener Gifts

"Ask me anything you want about Water Cress!"

'I thought she'd never shut up!'

Gardener clipping topiary stairs

An Unexpected Guest.

"No! I want to live! I want to live!"

Planting seeds in garden - broad beans and jelly beans.

'The attendant is very good. I tip him the occasional sparrow.'

Tree Passion

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

The Phantom Of The Garden

'Ah, now's there's something different....'

"The pea's the first vegetable I've ever grown. Can you stuff and mount it for me please?"

'I'm in the amusingly shaped vegetables department.'

'And if you squeeze snapdragons just like this, it sort of looks like they're biting something.'

Planting Bird Seed.

City Zoo: 'Try our exotic composts in your garden.'

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

Hydroponic Gardening

Wet weather footwear - shoes that are shaped like boats.

"Gnomeschooling is harder than I thought!"

'You've never forgotten that Elsie Turner, have you George!'

'Every summer, dandelions can't wait to go topless!'

"I stopped singing to my plants! I've never had one say 'shaddup!' before!"

'Manure, you say? We always put custard on our rhubarb!'

'What on earth made you think of growing water melons in the bath Henry?'

'How did you cope before 24-hour rolling gossip?'

"You make me feel 'hole'."

Bonsai farms: 'We started growing normal trees, but it didn't work out!'

With my home genetic engineering kit, I've created massive, politically active vegetables. From the left, a giant carrot. From the right, big broccoli. It was an accident, but something feels right. Introducing Meet the Produce. Next topic: Trump. Losing. Winning.

'Well Miss Pearson, this flood resistant GM Maize you've developed is pure genius. Giving it gills was a masterstroke'

Clown watering his flowers.

Hipster Yard

Football fan

Man with a sunflower head watering flowers with human faces.