Charity Humorist Gifts

'I'll only put in 5p, I'm easily hurt!'

The next step in human evolution was homophilanthropist.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

Ice Cream Surgeon

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"And I want you to meet Coco, your anesthesiologist."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

"I want to dispel the rumor that this redistricting map was drawn by my toddler on an Etch-A-Sketch. . .I'd never met that toddler before."

"Chaplain, the lord should put warning labels on some of his creations."

"Instead of years of therapy, I decided to go for chocolate."

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

Robodoc... the NHS surgeon of the future.

'and remember delivery is free if it happens in a half hour!'

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

"WHich one is mine?"

"I keep on getting these feelings of love, peace and empathy..."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

"He's going to be O.K., but he still wants you to remarry."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'That reminds me of the blind date I had last weekend!'

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

'Let me guess...it's contagious!'

"Sorry, that's not my table."

Downloading Pregnancy

'Wow! That was quite some push Mrs Smith...'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

I just hope my doctor is not on twitter too!

Saline Drip Sommelier.

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'