Charitable Jokester Gifts

'When Oxfam said to give a goat for Christmas I think they meant to a third world country,'

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

Men dancing

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Leaving cards.

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

"Maybe this year..."

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

Elf of the Month

"You idiots … we lost!"

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

During a respite in union negotiations, simmering tensions boil over as some disgruntled members of the toymakers elf union take matters in their own hands.

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'