Charitable Jokester Pillows

'When Oxfam said to give a goat for Christmas I think they meant to a third world country,'

Teacher pointing to P,Q, on board: "OK class, which letter comes next? Redbeard, you should know this."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

Fleas Navidad.

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

"Merry Christmas"

A crab with a utility knife claw

Mr Claus, tests indicate your blood is 95% milk and cookies.

"If I can't use a calculator, may I use my Dad's old slide-rule?"

Father Christmas uses laptop on roof. Man says: 'I think someone is stealing our wi-fi.'

"I've had. . . um. . . just a small sherry. . ."

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

Men dancing

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

'Apparently our postcode qualifies us for Government sponsored loft insulation.'

'Every pacemaker recipient is required to carry jumper cables...'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

Why are you insisting on spending Christmas in hospital, Gran? I prefer the Santa here, darling.

Leaving cards.

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

"You idiots … we lost!"

Elf of the Month

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Maybe this year..."

The Mayor Alonzo Q. Furdweiller Pothole. Looks like the mayor and the city council are bickering again.

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'Okay Dad, time to unwind.'

'Your dad only works one day a week but mine only works ONE day a year!'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

"Is there a humorist in the house?"