Changing Job Environment Gifts

"Most of us only come in two days a week now."

On his desk, a cat has an in box, out box and litter box.

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

'So what do you think of my report, sir?'

"Of course you can resign Ferguson. How would you like to buy back your freedom? Cash, credit card or easy payments?"

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'We feel it's very important to provide our employees with an extremely comfortable work-place environment. Primarily because we don't allow them to ever go home.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

"Sorry, Foster, but I'm letting you go. I just downloaded the 'Scapegoat' app."

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

HR - Helping Relationships

"What's the problem? We told you when you started you'd have to make some sacrifices."

"We should have taken the cubicles."

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.