Chair Critic Gifts

Whistler's father.

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"Bloody hell!"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"All of a dither as per usual!"

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"It has great depth, realized with such a unique economy of paint application... yet, there remains a curious aura of drivel I can't dismiss."

'She's not very good. She only did three revolutions and her air wasn't all that much.'

Dog writes a review: 'A sublime book, I devoured it in one sitting ...'

Constructive Criticism 50c.

Samuel Beckett

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

"You'll never believe who's here."

'Which channel would you like to tut at tonight?'

"Hang on! - we've possibly go another couple of films left in here!!"

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."