Character Critic Gifts

"You ever watch 'Real Housewives of Atlanta'?"

'Beneath her cold, hard exterior, is a cold hard interior.'

'I hate to be so skeptical, but I still think the seance business is a hoax!'

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

Unpopular Street Signs: Road Work Behind, Speed Jump Ahead, Good Luck, Slow Distracted Adults.

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

Difference of Opinion

A Hard Look At Hard Looks

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

"No way. Lando, my friend. Lando." "There's no way Lando Calrissian was a better betrayer than Alex Krycek." "Ask any passerby on the street. 9 out of 10 of them won't even know who Alex Krycek is." "That's utter foolishness. Everyone knows Alex Krycek. He was basically the X-Files' anti-Mulder. He could out-weasel Billy D. Williams any day." "Stop!" "When men start arguing over which fictional character was a better betrayer, they have officially run out of things to talk about." "That Kr

"Never mind, Harry. Just remember, the 'Saturday Review' loved it."

Can't Touch This

"Mom, please! I'm a married woman whose friends have been reviewed favourably by the New York Times."

"If I Can Make One Critic Smile..."

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

A man on a giant book poses as Rodin's The Thinker.

"This is an excellent story, Doris, so far."

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

"Did you read my review on Amazon? Four out of four people found it helpful."

'He knows everything about art. But he doesn't know what he likes.'

The new Physics

Christmas TV...

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Whistler's father.

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

"I don't like lawyer jokes. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes."

'Bloomsbury Group, members only'

Can't Touch This

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."